When Even LinkedIn Encourages You to Brush Off Inappropriate Messages…

Today I had to pull out of an opportunity I was really buzzing about because someone thought it was appropriate to cross the boundary of professionalism.

I wanted to share this because I want it to be understood how even a small comment can feel to someone receiving it and because I have an incredible collection of supports who I got to sense check my responses and who reassured me so much along the way, but it’s not always easy to solicit advice or speak out when these things happen, especially in worse situations.

So for context, I had been speaking to someone for around a week about getting involved with a cool project he was working on. I received this on LinkedIn Messenger. It was in response to me being proactive and getting stuff done fast on the project. A professional project.

Now, the title of this article aside, my upset here wasn’t really with the LinkedIn algorithm, but the suggestions it gave were exactly what I’d so often feel I had to do with this kind of comment. Awkwardly laugh off something incredibly inappropriate and try to redirect to something that shows I mean business, please talk to me at a professional level.

But this time I didn’t feel happy laughing it off. Honestly, this message really upset me. I felt a bit dirty. I was trying to establish a professional relationship and instead of being recognised at that level, it became something really inappropriate.

It took me a lot of courage to say anything, and that was when I was arguably most safe saying it. As my Dad pointed out when I messaged him, at least I didn’t have to deal with this face to face or in any other work context once I withdrew. I had the time and comfort of being able to reply online. To solicit advice before responding. And yes, it hit so hard that I messaged my Dad as well as 3 friends, and asked my boyfriend for advice! I was so worried about being harsh, unfair or reactive.

In my response, I had to take out the words sorry and stop myself adding it back in multiple times. I had to delete “I’m afraid I’m going to have to withdraw”. It was hard work not to feel guilty about dropping out or to wonder if I was overreacting. I had to really force myself to think how I’d feel if another woman wrote the same message, and only then did it feel ok to send.

The man’s response to my message-it was a joke. LinkedIn’s take- “No Problem”. But whether intended as a joke or not, it made me feel too uncomfortable to continue working together. And so, though not maliciously meant the impact as the same. He needed to own that, not make it my mistake in not getting the humour behind the comment. These “jokes” aren’t funny, they’re demeaning. Using that as a quick excuse is cheap and frankly, feels dismissive.

He did follow up minutes later with an acknowledgement of the inappropriateness, but honestly, while I appreciated that he did now seem to take my discomfort more seriously, it still felt the “compliment” aspect was another thinly masked excuse. And given the exchange, I really didn’t feel comfortable continuing the professional relationship.

At least he got it.

At least, until he thought of another excuse.

Maybe I am being uncharitable, but this just felt like another way to excuse the actions, now with cultural differences as the culprit… I’m sure there was good intent there too, but the apology wasn’t actually taking agency or responsibility. It was still looking for ways to convince me to offer more leniency. To be less offended and more forgiving. And it felt the onus would continue to be on me to educate in any ongoing relationship. And after this. I didn’t have the energy.

Once again, I’m afraid I didn’t take LinkedIn’s suggestions, but having said what I needed to and knowing he’d received it, I removed the connection. One of the huge benefits of this kind of thing happening online.

I’ve been in other situations where I haven’t had the luxury of time and physical space or even the chance to reply to these kinds of comments. Years ago, the first time one of my clients saw me in a meeting he mentioned me to my boss afterwards:

Client: “ Hattie is super smart isn’t she”

My boss: “yes she’s great”

Client: “and great to look at too”.

The same client asked my boss if he’d ever had any romantic relationship with me to which my boss replied- “that would be wholly inappropriate, I’m her boss and a partner at the company she works for”. The client didn’t seem to get it. He still offered to “warm me up” after I’d jumped into a harbour with my team to celebrate the end of an amazingly successful demo day. By the by, he was also married.

I’ve been at events where a client was so adamant he had to have a drink with me and kept refusing to take no for an answer (I must have said I didn’t want one at least 5 times and literally turned down drinks he brought over for me while I was sat with my team). that a colleague actually wanted to check I was ok walking to my room in the hotel safely.

With both clients, I made the call to let it slide because it’s so hard to know what to say. And it’s so hard to know you’re potentially shutting down professional relationships or risking a client. It feels easier and more comfortable sometimes to lower your own risk of fall out and drama and just avoid them as much as possible.

It can be so hard to know when to speak up. When the question in all of our heads is always “am I overreacting”.

Before this message, I’d already had an uncomfortable moment with the same man when I’d promptly responded to our agreeing a time and date for a first call to discuss this project by sending a calendar invite.

I debated raising that this was misogynistic and patronising and should definitely be avoided in the future. But it was my first time speaking to the guy, and I erred on the side of leaving it and calling out the next time he said something, once I knew him better. I wish I’d raised it then.

And all this to say I’ve had it “easy”. There are so many worse stories out there. I’ve laughed about mine, because sometimes all you feel ok doing is turning it into a joke to make yourself feel better.

But this one for whatever reason really got me, however small a statement it was. It felt gross. I had to pull out of something I was really excited about. I stressed over my responses and was really anxious about what he’d say next each time I wrote back.

But now I’m going to wash off my frustration as best I can, and channel what remains into just chasing the opportunity myself. I can and probably should have been doing it alone anyway.

I want to encourage anyone who receives this kind of inappropriate message to call it out, but I also don’t want to put the onus on the person experiencing it to have to right it. These kind of comments are on the person who makes them, not on those of us receiving them. We have every right to say something, and if we can, we should, pulling on our support networks as we need to. But if you don’t feel comfortable, it’s also not your fault if you miss a chance to call someone out and they do it again, to you or to someone else.

These kind of comments are on the person who makes them, not on those of us receiving them.

And if you’re in the position of seeing someone do this, and feel up to stepping in to support them, please do so.

If you’ve read all of this and think you may have made the same comment this man did, I hope this makes you rethink that in the future. To you, a small throwaway comment can be nothing. But to someone on the receiving end it can lose them an opportunity. Because, completely legitimately, they just don’t want to work with someone who makes them feel so uncomfortable. It also takes so much headspace and energy. I’ve wasted most of my afternoon stressing this and feeling rubbish from it. So if someone reacts, they’re not being too PC. They’re not being too sensitive. The reaction isn’t what you should critique. It’s what they’re reacting to.

And if you work at LinkedIn, how amazing would it be if your algorithms could help catch inappropriate messages and support people on the receiving end, even just by acknowledging it’s not ok and helping them craft professional but clear responses. Now that would be a very useful feature… Better if they weren’t needed, but it still is.

I’ll leave you with a few of my amazing friends’ messages, in case anyone else needs to hear the same things — and please, let’s get better at talking about what to do when this stuff happens.

YOU have done nothing wrong

Don’t let stupid people make you feel awful

I’m so mad for you. Utterly moronic and unacceptable

It’s a horrible thing to happen and it messes with your head :(

These things have a horrible effect no matter how ‘extreme’ or not they are xxxx

Oh lovely one. I’m sorry. I get it — makes you feel yucky :((

That is wildly inappropriate and you’re completely on point to call it out and shut it down! 👏👏👏

Sorry it has happened. But wholly inappropriate and best to act.

Edit: After sharing this article an amazing woman I’ve had the joy of working with on past projects reached out to share her experience. It took me aback in the pure abuse of power by the man, and also how insanely brave she was to speak out. With her permission, I’m sharing here to inspire others that it’s ok to step forward as you feel comfortable to do so, but also to see that even when the case is so clear cut, it’s so easy for the burden of guilt to pass the person on the receiving end.

“I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve found myself in this situation, and so many times I’ve tried to laugh it off/make some excuse for it as I don’t want to come across as being difficult, or I don’t want to risk jeopardising a professional situation.

I remember when I was going through the recruitment process for the role I’m in now, the recruiter took a weird and unhealthy shine to me to the point where he showed up at the coffee shop across from my house and offered to take me out for a ride on his motorbike (he took my address and phone number from my CV). He even insinuated that if I didn’t play along he’d take me out of consideration for the role I was applying for… when I expressed my concern, he basically told me I should be flattered! Long story short, I made a complaint about him, and he ended up losing his job… but get this, I then felt really, really guilty!

I second guessed myself so much at the time; I thought I must be getting the wrong end of the stick, or worse, that I had done something to encourage him! I had to run the whole thing by my husband just to make sure that I didn’t say anything that could have possibly led him to behave that way…”

I have so much insane respect and pride for this kick-ass professional woman and huge thanks for letting me share! 🙌 🙌 🙌 🙌 🙌 🙌 🙌